Mom Says Learn To Forgive..

A normal day usually meant head rushes by running around too much, arguing over what to make for food, scolding the children for crossing the normal decibel level and having no time for a breather. In all this I would feel sorry for not accomplishing anything beyond the normal tasks of a householder; I was committed to keep feeling like that for the rest of eternity. Why did I not apply for jobs? I could have also been earning something to contribute at home amidst this lockdown, where every penny was being used up. With coffers drying up, sitting at home to take care of the kids and eating free meals burnt my conscience.
While I was busy cursing myself, my dear Mother rang my phone. Hearing me reply with the usual hmmms she realized that my mind was lurking elsewhere. She starts, "What's bothering you now?" I wasn't amused, she always knew just with the tone of my voice that I wasn't devoted to our chats but running a marathon in my mind, sans the mess I had sunk in.

After I told her about my guilt trip, she paused for a moment and said, "Why is it so bad being a housewife? Just cause it doesn't pay as much?" She was haggling at an old economic question, one that hadn't been yet solved via an article, a bill, a petition or even a reformation. Apart from voting rights and right to liberty, were rights to equal pay also only restricted to workplaces outside the home? Will no one stand up for rights to equal pay for women at home? No one gets paid for running a house as much as they pay you for being in a multinational, and if there is recession in the economy you can even kiss that due goodbye, much unlike a government job that ensures you get your salary every month.

She tells me,"Why is it so hard for you to forgive yourself?" But I wasn't sure what she meant. She explained that I was too harsh on myself, not willing to see that my life had thrown challenges at me in my home which I had handled just as well as a budding entrepreneur would. She was right!
I did not argue or even change the topic that day. I wanted her to continue explaining cause therein lay a soothing balm for my sore soul.
She goes on,  "If you cant forgive yourself and move on, how will you ever forgive anyone else?"
This pricked my conscience even more, was I really badgering myself that bad, had I lost empathy for myself? I was human! Yet I aimed for heavenly perfection! I had set up such high standards in my mind, that failing to meet them was unacceptable! Day in and out I blamed myself, telling myself I wasn't good enough to work outside maybe that's why I never got any, even going one step ahead and admitting that the life I chose had left me no choice but to sit at home. Further to swell my mind with guilt, I added animosity for those I lived with, thinking they too were mechanisms of my fate.

She said something, that I will never forget. "Stop making your current life situation harder, Heal Yourself by accepting! Take each day as it comes, and maybe one day you will be surprised with a new change. "
For a change, there was a calm lull after the storm. My mind had been put to rest. She taught me forgiveness for myself first. My inner self felt the rush of being released from a dungeon.

Without Forgiveness in our lives, our body is only intoxicated with fear. Fear of never being good enough. We can never really be free if our own mind is a prison. When we talk about forgiving others we generally forget that the "self" is a part of the same process. Forgiveness is a virtue applicable first to the self; only if we are kind enough to accept our own shortcomings and live with them, can we be tolerant and accept those of others.  

I had resented my life for so long and had continued to punish and admonish myself repeatedly. My soul had felt shrouded by the grudges I had, not just against myself but all those around me.

The day my Mother talked sense into me, dawned the realization that I had been a cause of my own lack of peace of mind. I can't thank her enough for the positivity she sprinkled in my life, for now I was ready to move on and accept my life the way it is, hoping only to change it when the time comes and not blame anyone if it was still the same, not even my own self.